8 Feminist Wedding Planning Tips
To me, a feminist wedding is essentially doing exactly what you want at your wedding and not something that’s been pushed on you.
I think the point is to decide what traditions feel good to you and go into those decisions with intention and awareness, and not to be afraid to reinvent traditions so they fit you and your partner. I invite you to research traditions if you don't know where they come from (like wearing the white dress, saving the top of the cake, etc.). If something doesn't sit well, you can leave it out or change it to make it work for you.
The most important thing is that both of the people getting married feel good about the traditions they decide to incorporate.
With that being said here are some suggestions for ideas you might want to consider when planning your feminist wedding:
1. Skip the surprise. Proposals can be a great opportunity to defy convention. Instead of wanting to marry you being a surprise, maybe it's a joint decision two adults who love each other make about their future together.
2. Engagement rings for two. I've recently come across a lot of conversations about how the partner who proposes doesn't get an engagement ring. When Mark and I got married, I felt like it was weird that he didn't have a way to show the engagement like I did. The fix? An engagement ring for everybody!
3. Split the planning responsibilities. A lot of times in opposite-sex couples the wedding planning responsibilities automatically fall to the woman. It somehow feels like it's "her job" to figure out what's going to happen and plan the wedding (or men even assume that you want to do all of those things)- but it doesn't have to be that way! I think it's great to do the planning together so it feels like a joint event, not something the male partner just shows up to.
4. If your vendors don't ask how you prefer to be referred to, let them know. Vendors may assume that you want to be referred to as "bride and bride" or "bride and groom," or that they know your pronouns. I just recently started asking preferred pronouns in my client questionnaire, but if a vendor doesn't ask, you can kindly let them know!
5. Include women. It can be scarily easy to leave women's voices out of the big parts of the day. But it's also incredibly easy to include them, so when it comes to the big things like speeches think about the women who matter to you and include their voices.
6. Skip or reinvent the traditions based on women being property. You know what they are- wearing white, wearing a veil, having your father walk you down the aisle, etc. There are all kinds of ways to reinvent these traditions, though. Instead of having your father walk you down the aisle, you can walk down as a couple or have both of your parents walk you.
There are plenty of gorgeous wedding dress options that aren't white (check out Lindsay's amazing black wedding dress here), and a veil is easy to skip. With that being said, you can still make a conscious choice to wear the white dress and the veil and be a feminist. I wore a veil at my wedding because I thought it was cute-- I did what I wanted and didn’t wear over my face. And you can, too!
7. Skip the bouquet and garter toss. At my wedding, I felt weird about rounding up all the single women and pointing them out, so this is one that I skipped. There were so many other fun things to do at the reception that we didn't miss it one bit.
8. The name change. There are so many ways to go with this! Plenty of the couples I work with hyphenate their last names or just leave their names as is. Choose what feels right for both of you, and go with that!
What traditions did you reinvent at your wedding? Comment below-- I would love to hear!